The Rules

Dear People in the Workplace,

I've been working in an office environment a long time, and I consider myself a model cubester. I don't do anything annoying, ever. Unfortunately, not everyone can be like me. Some of you need some instructions on how to behave in an office setting. Luckily for you, I've developed a list of simple rules you can follow to be less annoying.

Cubicle Etiquette

No tribal music.
No loud yogurt-stirring.
No "Play That Funky Music, White Boy" cell phone rings.
No coming up behind someone's cube and saying, "Knock knock!"
No lurking.
No singing Christmas carols.

Communal Kitchen Etiquette

If you take the last cup of coffee, make more. Contrary to popular belief, there is no coffee fairy.
Do not stand at the sink washing out your tupperware for more than 30 seconds.
Do not bring in a mini George Foreman and grill smelly meat.
Do not discuss medical procedures in the kitchen.
Do not look at and/or sniff other peoples' food and say, "Mmm. What you got there?"

Elevator Etiquette:

Do not hold the door open to finish a conversation before you get on.
No touching.
No comments about it being Friday or Monday, positive or negative.
No cell phone activity.
No singing.

Bathroom Etiquette

No conversing in or around the bathroom.
Wash your hands thoroughly, especially if someone's watching. You WILL be outed.
No greeting people on their way to/from the bathroom.
Absolutely no cell phones.
No paperwork.

Wheelchair Etiquette

No running people over and then making it seem like they hate cripples.

That should do. Direct any questions to Fluffy Windover, model cubester.

Love, Fluffy