Martha Stewart was sentenced to five months in prison today. Let's take a moment to reflect on her.
Martha, my idol, my muse. I don't care about your lying or your finances. I only care about your magazine, without which I wouldn't know what tealights are, or how to properly care for my wicker furniture. I wouldn't have experienced the satisfaction of making my own wrapping paper, and I would have NO IDEA what you're really supposed to do with felt. I would never have discovered kosher salt. I wouldn't have started collecting milk glass. I would still be saying "garage sale" instead of the obviously more civilized "tag sale". I would still be using salted butter like a barbarian. Most of all, I shudder to think what my wedding would have been like without your tasteful guidance. Dear God, to think I almost carried colored flowers like some carnival freak. Thanks to you, I went with classic white.
So Martha, I will make those colored floating candles from your July issue. I'll bust out the crayola to color that parrafin in complementary shades of rose, yellow, and peach. I'll buy those fancy muffin tins for the molds. And I will float them in crystal bowls and light them for you, in hopes that your appeal process is successful and you don't have to spend one minute in jail.
Your devoted priestess,