The Loser Lunch

Dear Diary,

Often here at Company V, we make fun of each other for eating "loser lunches". Somebody asked me this morning, "What constitutes a loser lunch?" I think you usually know it when you see it. But I will provide some guidance here.

You know you have a loser lunch if:

- You have to use an inappropriate utensil to eat it (yogurt with a fork, macaroni and cheese with your hands, etc.)

- You brought leftovers that you don't even bother to heat up.

- It's peanut butter and jelly.

- You're eating cereal mixed into yogurt. That is not lunch.

- Same with oatmeal.

- It came from the vending machine or 7-11. (Unless, of course, it is a 1/4 lb. Big Bite. Then, my friend, you have yourself a WINNER lunch.)

- It was left over from a meeting full of strangers.

These are general guidelines. But sometimes the loser lunch is unclear. One time I brought a turkey bologna, pickle and cheese sandwich from home. I was pretty excited about it, until Co-worker L asked me if I had bought it with food stamps. So go figure.

Love, Fluffy

Just like Isaac Mizrah-whatever

Dear Diary,

I just watched the PBS special about Andy Warhol, and I think that were he alive today, he would totally be whoring himself for a line of freshman dormware at Target.

Love, Fluffy

I'll just have bread, thanks.

Dear Anxiety Gods,

I don't have enough to freak out about right now. Could you maybe create an outbreak of e. coli, the source of which is a product that I eat several times a week? Oh, you can? Great. Thanks.

Love, Fluffy

Cat Poop Princess

Dear Diary,

This is our dog, Dog A. She eats other dogs' barf, she helps herself to the cats' litter box, and she really loves trash of any kind.

And yet, if it's raining, she refuses to go outside to pee because she doesn't like to get her dainty little paws wet.