Cluster of Baby Fever Cases Plagues City B

A recent outbreak of baby fever is gripping parts of City B, leaving health officials and husbands alarmed and overwhelmed. Several women have already succumbed to the disease, with dozens more displaying symptoms of this potentially life-changing illness.

One woman, who declined to give her name, said, "I went to visit my friend in the hospital after she had her baby. The baby was cute and all, but we want to wait a few years to have one. But then I started chasing my husband around the house screaming that I was ovulating. It was pretty bad; we're sleeping in separate rooms now until I recover. But it's hard; I'm still looking at cribs online and picking out names. I really like the name Molly, or maybe Julia. But if it's a boy, I don' t know. Boys' names are so hard, you know? Oh [darn], there I go again! I'm sorry. This interview is over."

Local health officials are warning husbands to be vigilant about their wives' birth control methods. One nurse, who declined to give us her name, said, "This disease is very unpredictable. One rare but potentially devastating symptom can be prophylactic deception. I tell husbands not to take it for granted that their wives are using birth control properly. Husbands need to be educated and take initiative with birth control if we are to combat this disease." One husband told us, "I thought she was taking her pills. I mean, I saw her take them. But I found out later she had switched them with prenatal vitamins. I had no idea." Another man said of his wife, who had a severe case, "She told me that women can't get pregnant during the full moon. It sounded right-- I'm not a woman, how was I supposed to know?"

Some women are lucky enough to have built up a natural immunity to the disease. As one City B resident told us, "I don't even like babies. I think they're pretty gross." Health officials are looking into the possibility of a vaccine, but are unsure if a vaccine would even protect women from developing the condition. As one researcher told us, "We've had several cases of previously immune women who suddenly display symptoms of baby fever. We can't explain it."

In the meantime, health officials and husbands are playing the waiting game. One husband said, "I'm just hoping my wife will forget all about wanting a baby once she realizes that she can't drink when she's pregnant and she'll lose her figure. I'm hoping her vanity and selfishness will prevail over baby fever. But who knows?"

Fluffy Windover, City B

Cubical Etiquette 201

Dear Diary,

Looks like it's time for another session of Cubicle Etiquette. I think we've covered 101 and 102, so would this be 201?

1. Don't get me wrong, I like Sabbath as much as the next guy. But as a ring tone? Come on.

2. Don't talk on your cell phone in Russian all day. It's creepy. We speak English in this country, Vladimir.

3. And speaking of cell phones, you may have noticed that this company does in fact provide telephones for our use. I'm just sayin'.

4. See that hole in your computer with the little headphone icon on it? That's so that you can listen to your crappy 106.5 without torturing your neighbors with Gwen Stefani six times a day.

5. Nobody wants to hear about how your type II diabetes is so bad your liver or kidneys are probably going to fail within 10 years. Maybe you should just put down that doughnut, fatty.

6. I think I covered this in 102, but it bears repeating. No lurking. Seriously.

7. Don't say, "Good morning, sunshine!" to anyone, ever. EVER.

That should cover it for now.

Love, Fluffy

Where's the tainted beef?

Dear Diary,

People/entities who need to chill:

1. Judgemental family members

2. Israel and Hezbollah

3. My dog

4. The temperature in City B

Today is the BHE's and my third wedding anniversary. The traditional gift for year three is leather. Since the BHE already owns a pair of leather chaps, I decided to go for a messenger bag so he can look all metrosexual on the train. But when I got home, I realized that it's fake leather. Like the time I inscribed a Latin phrase on his wedding band only to discover that it was only jibberish. He didn't notice that the Latin was jibberish, so maybe he won't notice that the leather is fake.

Oh, and now I have a new item to add to my list of ailments: E.coli poisoning. Last night at a restaurant I ordered a big, juicy burger. Still mooin' (the burger, not me). Then this morning I read that there was a ground beef recall in City B because it was tainted with E. coli. So YOU KNOW I'm going to get it. I only just got over my meningitis!

Love, Fluffy

Barbaro Vs. the Sube

Dear Diary,

The BHE and I bought a new car. Actually, I bought it. But let's not split hairs; he can drive it whenever he wants. As long as it's not Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, or Friday.

Anyway, I've discovered the secret to getting to work early: speeding. This new car, it goes fast. But you don't even know you're going fast. My old car, even going slow felt like you were careening around the track at the Indy 500 in a lopsided go-kart. Like racing a horse with a terrible injury. Um, like Barbaro.

So I got to work nine minutes faster than usual. And that felt like a real accomplishment. Until I got here.

Love, Fluffy