Could YOU be at risk?

Dear Diary,

The BHE and I are good friends with another couple who, for privacy purposes, I will refer to here as the Witch-Ashtons. The Windovers and the Witch-Ashtons have a long history of mutual friendship, mutual workplaces, mutual living quarters, mutual crappy bands, mutual dogs, mutual inappropriate senses of humor, and mutual drunkenness. Having spent so much time together in so many different situations over so many years, we have come up with some acronyms for common conditions that we have frequently experienced and/or witnessed. I think it's time that someone document these in an organized fashion, so here is a start.

AROSS (Acute Recurrent Online Shopping Syndrome). Self-explanatory, but some dangerous side-effects can include rash purchases of completely unnecessary and exorbitantly expensive items. Individuals who work boring technical writing jobs at boring health care IT companies are particularly at risk.

CSRS (Chronic Silent Rage Syndrome). A common ailment among married men in City B, characterized by frequent episodes of eye-rolling, muttering, and general pissiness toward their wives. Instead of throwing a plate like a normal person would, those afflicted will sulk, sigh, and deny that anything is bothering them. Sometimes associated with or followed by CSS (see below).

CSS (Chronic Sleepiness Syndrome). Also common among married men in City B. Characterized by chronic sleepiness at inopportune/inappropriate times, such as before a party or other social engagement. There have also been reports of episodes of CSS coinciding with a wife who is experiencing an episode of RF (Rare Friskiness, a very rare condition which is still being researched).

IPBBS (Inappropriate Public Bathroom Behavior Syndrome). This syndrome is prevalent in the workplace. The patient often presents with the following symptoms: bringing files or other paperwork into the bathroom, talking on a cellphone in Russian in the stall, removing one's pants entirely just to use the urinal, exiting without washing one's hands while in full view of other bathroom patrons, and flat-out crapping on the floor.

RWO (Rampant Workplace Ogreism). Extraordinarily unattractive outward appearance. People with RWO almost always suffer from UFS (see below) as well. More common in women.

UFS (Unbelievable Fatness Syndrome). Often associated with RWO (see above), though UFS can occur on its own. Sufferers of this syndrome may not be aware that they have it; unfortunately, it is only diagnosed when an observer points out to a third party that he/she cannot believe how unbelievably fat the sufferer is or has become.

There is still much research to be done on these and other conditions, but we here at Fluffy Windover's Diary like to be on the cutting edge. Knowing is half the battle.

Love, Fluffy


Ashley said...

My big kid has a raging case of IPBBS. His most persistent symptom is a running commentary on any neighboring bathroom noises, including but not limited to: loudly exclaiming that the lady with the pink shoes is making a lot of noise peeing and it hurts his ears and telling his father that some guy's tummy must hurt because he is making loud poopy noises and should probably just poop and feel better.

He's a charmer, just like his mom!

Anonymous said...

While we commend Fluffy for her attempts to educate the public about these tragic medical conditions, we must not lose sight of the fact that there is more work to be done. I hope that future installments of Ms. Windover's diary will confront the cruel realities of diseases like CPP (Chronic Pissy Pants), CSTS (Chronic Sloppy Titty Syndrome, or "Sloppy Tits" to the layman), and the dreaded advanced stages of UFS known as CUFFS (Chronic Unbelievable F!@#ing Fatness Syndrome).

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