Boobies, Interrupted

Dear Diary,

This weekend I had to abruptly wean Edwin. So that I can pop Ativan whenever I want. OK, that's not really why. (Well, sort of...) The short story is that this weekend I had a massive panic attack that put me in the hospital with what they thought might be a pulmonary embolism. Obviously, it was not. It was just a huge giant freakout.

I don't want to get into all the details here, but suffice it to say that I have struggled and continue to struggle with anxiety. Big, bad, debilitating anxiety. I've had my ups and downs with it. Several years went by with nary a panic (thanks, Effexor!). I was tooooooootally sane during my pregnancy, without any drugs. But since Edwin was born, it's been creeping back in. Hiding in closets, lurking under the bed. Well, in the past couple weeks it has come completely out of hiding and eaten me up whole. I can't ignore it any longer. I HAVE to beat this and I CANNOT let this get the better of me. I have my beautiful, adorable, innocent son to take care of and God help me, I will kick this disorder's ass.

Is this post about my crazy or about the weaning? Hmm... lets' make it about the weaning. That's a little more lighthearted! But still heartbreaking. I realize that in my last post I talked about weaning. But truth be told I had no intention of doing it anytime soon. Nursing was our thing, man. My little man loved him some boobies and that was just fine by me. Nevermind that he was beginning to make inappropriate advances in public and that in the mornings when I'd let him into our bed to snuggle and nurse he would often kick my underwear off with his feet (I know; what the fuck?)

Point being, I was not ready for this, and neither was he. He's pissed, he's frustrated. He won't snuggle with me. He pounds his fists and sobs pathetically when I say cheerfully, "Mama can't feed you anymore, but you can have milk in your cup!" And it makes me cry when he cries, because I feel terrible and I want nothing more than to give him what he wants.

I know in the grand scheme of things, it is a small thing that he won't remember. And it's a very important step on our journey as mother and child. And like the BHE says, it would have been really awkward for me to go into his dorm room at night to nurse him to sleep. We'll both get over it soon, I'm sure.

But it still sucks.



Kate said...

I have a panic disorder too. When I was in law school I saw an anxiety specialist at GW University who was awesome and taught me a lot of tricks for dealing with the onset of an attack - how to deflect it. I still get them sometimes, but at nowhere near the debilitating rate I used to, and I'm usually able to divert it. Not always.

Anyway, I'm sorry you go through that - I can empathize.

Broady said...

It had to happen some day, but I'm sorry you're having such a rocky transition! I was lucky about weaning-- my son pretty much fired me at about 7 months, so I never had to deal with trying to reason with a baby as to why mommy had cut him off. I know it must be awful... just try to focus on the light at the end of the tunnel, when you will be able to enjoy having your bbs back to yourself. I am already mourning the loss of my booby independence that will take place in less than 2 weeks.

On another note, sorry about the panic attacks. I have experienced them a handful of times, about 9 years ago, and it scared the bajeezus out of me. Sounds like you are getting the upper hand on it, good luck : )

La Rivera said...

I thought of you the other day. At the park, there was a woman sitting on a bench with her son, and she was nursing him. The kid was so big that his feet were touching the ground. At least that won't be you in three years :)

Denise said...

oh I feel your pain. Well not yet anyhow... because I cant bring myself to do it. SHe is 25 months (ack I know, at least I stopped saying boobie before she caught onto it and she uses "nurse?")

anyhow,.. i keep using every excuse in the book not to wean. We are traveling, new group at day care, we are opa and oma's for the holidays, just back from holidays, etc etc etc.

that said, I didnt stop Effexor (even tho I probably could have since i felt so damn good being preggers) and have been breastfeeding while on it. My doctor said that the no information about the effects on babies thru breastmilk doesnt outweigh the positive effect on mommy. I hope i never regret this...

anyhow I feel for you.

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