Dear Diary,
Somehow, the BBE and I got Shitsmassed into going to not one, but TWO family gatherings. I use the term "family" loosely here, because one gathering involved many people of no family relation to either me or my husband. But that's another story.
The issue at hand: I will never again under any circumstances offer to help my mother-in-law prepare for a party. Because apparently I don't know how to use my own crock pot, I don't understand tin foil, I have trouble shredding carrots with the DULLEST KNIFE EVER, and I didn't put the cocktail nuts in the right spot. Girls, remember that your mother-in-law's way is the ONLY RIGHT WAY. Just sit back and drink. Don't help.
By the way, according to Reynold's Wrap there is absolutely no difference between the shiny and dull sides of tin foil. I am dying to forward the following tidbit of tin foil wisdom to my mother-in-law (since she made me re-wrap the ham because I had wrapped it with the shiny side out).
"Actually, it makes no difference which side of Aluminum Foil you use—both sides do the same fine job of cooking, freezing and storing food. The difference in appearance between dull and shiny is due to the foil manufacturing process. In the final rolling step, two layers of aluminum foil are passed through the rolling mill at the same time. The side coming in contact with the mill's highly polished steel rollers becomes shiny. The other side, not coming in contact with the heavy rollers, comes out with a dull or matte finish."
In your face.
Love, Fluffy
P.S. - I miss my real mom. She went to visit my sister for Shitsmas. She would never make me rewrap a ham. She knows it doesn't matter which side.
27.12.04
20.12.04
Countdown to Shitsmas
Dear Diary,
I wouldn't consider myself a "scrooge". In fact, I enjoy Christmas. HOWEVER, I am very particular about the things I like about Christmas and the things I do not. Allow me to elaborate:
Things that are OK at Christmas:
cookies
stockings
real christmas trees
booze of any kind
tasteful Christmas music (this includes Charlie Brown, Nat King Cole, maybe some Handel)
referring to Christmas as "Christmas" or "Shitsmas"
not driving anywhere
avoiding family
buying presents for the pets
Things that are NOT OK:
referring to Christmas as a "season" or a "holiday"
having to buy gifts for coworkers
santas, snowmen, rudolphs, etc.
Christmas songs mentioning any of the above
lawn ornaments
birthday cakes for Jesus
driving to see family
seeing family at all, really. except your husband
As far as Christmas is concerned, it's my way or the highway. Family can kiss our collective Windover ASS. We are staying home, drinking spiked nog, and watching the Lord of the Rings trilogy. And putting a santa hat on the dog.
Merry Shitsmas to All.
Love, Fluffy
I wouldn't consider myself a "scrooge". In fact, I enjoy Christmas. HOWEVER, I am very particular about the things I like about Christmas and the things I do not. Allow me to elaborate:
Things that are OK at Christmas:
cookies
stockings
real christmas trees
booze of any kind
tasteful Christmas music (this includes Charlie Brown, Nat King Cole, maybe some Handel)
referring to Christmas as "Christmas" or "Shitsmas"
not driving anywhere
avoiding family
buying presents for the pets
Things that are NOT OK:
referring to Christmas as a "season" or a "holiday"
having to buy gifts for coworkers
santas, snowmen, rudolphs, etc.
Christmas songs mentioning any of the above
lawn ornaments
birthday cakes for Jesus
driving to see family
seeing family at all, really. except your husband
As far as Christmas is concerned, it's my way or the highway. Family can kiss our collective Windover ASS. We are staying home, drinking spiked nog, and watching the Lord of the Rings trilogy. And putting a santa hat on the dog.
Merry Shitsmas to All.
Love, Fluffy
13.12.04
Murphy's Law
Dear Diary,
When you're having a Christmas party and you want everything to be perfect, these things will happen:
1. Your 5 disk changer will seek out the most annoying Christmas CD and play only the worst songs on it, over and over and over. It will completely pass over the Charlie Brown Christmas CD.
2. While trying to permeate the air in your house with a pleasant lemon fragrance by simmering lemons on the stove, you will turn the stove up way too high and then forget and go shopping. You will return to a charred, smoking, stinking mess of lemon rinds stuck to the bottom of the pan.
3. You will accidentally flip the blender switch too early, flinging bean dip all over the kitchen.
4. You will tell your friends with toddlers that they're perfectly welcome to bring them to the party. But you'll forget that a fireplace full of candles on the floor is not exactly baby-friendly.
5. The cat will stick her face in the grated cheese you set out for the chili. But you won't tell anyone.
Despite these snags, it was a success. We even had Canadians! Now, that's a party.
Love, Fluffy
When you're having a Christmas party and you want everything to be perfect, these things will happen:
1. Your 5 disk changer will seek out the most annoying Christmas CD and play only the worst songs on it, over and over and over. It will completely pass over the Charlie Brown Christmas CD.
2. While trying to permeate the air in your house with a pleasant lemon fragrance by simmering lemons on the stove, you will turn the stove up way too high and then forget and go shopping. You will return to a charred, smoking, stinking mess of lemon rinds stuck to the bottom of the pan.
3. You will accidentally flip the blender switch too early, flinging bean dip all over the kitchen.
4. You will tell your friends with toddlers that they're perfectly welcome to bring them to the party. But you'll forget that a fireplace full of candles on the floor is not exactly baby-friendly.
5. The cat will stick her face in the grated cheese you set out for the chili. But you won't tell anyone.
Despite these snags, it was a success. We even had Canadians! Now, that's a party.
Love, Fluffy
2.12.04
Excuses
Dear Diary,
Below are some of the excuses I've used to get out of helping the BHE sand and paint our dining room.
1. It hurts my hand.
2. America's Next Top Model.
3. I have to make a sandwich.
4. I think I'm getting brain damage from the lead dust.
5. I can't reach.
6. The dog feels left out.
7. I'm just not detail-oriented.
8. There's no beer.
9. I changed my mind about painting.
Below are some of the excuses I've used to get out of helping the BHE sand and paint our dining room.
1. It hurts my hand.
2. America's Next Top Model.
3. I have to make a sandwich.
4. I think I'm getting brain damage from the lead dust.
5. I can't reach.
6. The dog feels left out.
7. I'm just not detail-oriented.
8. There's no beer.
9. I changed my mind about painting.
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