word nerd

Dear Diary,

Is it any coincidence that an anagram of George Bush's name is "hose bugger"? Or the Unites States "snide statue"? Or my father "jameson shot" and "hastens mojo"?

I wonder. Here, have your own fun.

Love, Fluffy

Black Pants Fade

Dear Diary,

My grumpy factor is a little high today. It's one of those days where I don't want anyone talking to me, you know? I walked off mid-conversation in the coffee room; I was sarcastic to my boss; it's just not a good day to talk to me.

So, I tried to combat this funk by going to the grocery store at lunch (cottage cheese snack packs-- dairy industry brilliance!) On my way in the store, this old fucking fart passed me and said, "You should probably smile a little". Can you believe that? Eff you, grandpa. You don't know me. What business is it of yours what facial expression I choose to sport in public? Should we all just walk around with shit-eating grins on our faces all day? Barf. It just made me want to smile even less. But it also made me think, though. If I did want to walk around smiling all day like a moron, what would I have to think about? I've compiled a list, of course.

1. the word "doodie"
2. the BHE
3. that time my dog humped his own face
4. that time my dog ate an apple like people
5. cashmere
6. my trench coat
7. that time my MIL walked into the screen door and then fell down
8. martinis
9. the washington post's saturday quote-acrosstic
10. cybil shepherd as martha stewart
11. we're getting a piano

I'm going to try to keep these things in mind and see if I'm smiling all day.

Doodie. ! Yeah, it's working already.

Love, Fluffy

And... scene.

Dear Diary,

There is so much news. Sister B had a baby. ANOTHER one. She swears this is the last one, but she said that, like, 2 babies ago. She came out with dark hair, this baby did, so mailman rumors are swirling (since their family photos look more like propaganda posters for the Hitler Youth Movement).

My mom got laid off from her job with a prominent non-profit. Nobody lays off Mrs. Windover. Even though I never gave them money before, I'm definitely not giving them any money now. They'll be sorry when they realize that Mrs. Windover is the only one who can make small talk and flirt with the millionaires who keep that organization running. It's not easy, flirting with millionaires. But if anyone can do it, it's my mom.

This weekend is:

- the Buddy Walk (for nephew B)
- karaoke party for Friend H (She's 30! nyah nyah! Oh, wait...)
- what else?

Today after work they're throwing a ragin' kegger in the basement of the building. Not sure how to handle it. I think it's too early for them to find out how much I can put away, don't you?

Love, Fluffy

The Crazy Quiet People

Dear Diary,

I don't trust this John Roberts. He looks plastic and innocuous, and nobody seems to have anything bad to say about him. This scares me. I think he's either:

1) Satan
2) a robot
3)Robot Satan
4) a serial killer

Seriously, look at the guy. Can't you see him going totally postal, or shooting devil beams out of his eyes?

Love, Fluffy

St. Francis is My Dentist

Dear Diary,

It's been a strange few days. with the helping of mothers-in-law and the sitting of dogs and the watching of disappointing shark movies and the stuffing of pork chops. Some highlights:

1. A guy come by to give us an estimate on some new windows. It turned into a crazy sales pitch with samples and props, and to drive home the point that these windows are indeed the best he put his sample window on the floor and stood on top of it. Which really helped seal the deal because the last time somebody stood on our window it totally shattered. So that'll be one less thing to worry about.

2. I went to a new dentist this morning. He said, "Jeez. These fillings look like they were put in by St. Francis." I have no idea what he meant by that. Was St. Francis a friend of small woodland creatures AND a dentist? Does he think I'm as old as St. Francis? Do my fillings look saintly? Don't know. But he also said that my teeth are "pristine". I think he probably just wants to do me.

3. Highschool Friend A has split with her husband and has been dating. She's been seeing this one guy who's like a thousand, but he's super rich. She told me that she'd slept over with him 3 times and he hasn't "tried anything." Then she said "You know, he's gentlemanly like that." I think by "gentlemanly" she must mean "impotent". But hey, he's got a pool so I assume he has a pool boy. She always said she'd like to have a pool boy.

3. My sister is due to have a baby today. Last night I dreamt that I had a baby and I kept forgetting to feed and change it. It was like I had a houseplant that I kept forgetting was there, and whenever I would remember to go water it I was surprised to find it still alive. This is why I don't have houseplants... or babies.

Love, Fluffy

Buzz

Dear Diary,

In the span of 10 minutes my boss said, "at the end of the day" four times. FOUR. But I get free breakfast tomorrow.

Love, Fluffy

Wha...?

Dear Diary,

I was promised breakfast. I had to come in at 8:00 to meet with my boss and he said yesterday that he would bring me breakfast. He did not. What kind of person would... wait, I lost my train of thought because I HAD NO BREAKFAST.

Grumpy

Want lists? I'll give you lists.

Dogs Who Eat Cat Poo
1. My dog

Dogs Who Eat From the Bathroom Trash
1. My other dog

Things One Should Not be Expected to Do on Labor Day Weekend
1. See one's mother-in-law in a "tankini"
2. Work
3. Go to Home Depot

Candies I Thought I Would Like, but are Really Gross
1. Airheads
2. Gummy Lifesavers
3. Chewy Spree

Movies I Was Supposed to Like, but Bored the Shit Out of Me
1. Road to Perdition
2. I Heart Huckabees
3. Garden State

People Who Are Bored and/or Boring
1. Me