Please me; it's easy.

Dear Diary,

I am nothing if not a tolerant, patient person. However, there are certain things up with which I will not put:

1. empty ice trays
2. static (radio or otherwise)
3. incompetent coffee-shop employees (see #8)
4. waiting in line
5. no booze in the house
6. unreasonable hostess demands
7. Lowe's Home Improvement Center
8. mayo-less BLTs (one should not have to specify mayo on a BLT)
9. trying to make a martini, only to discover that the BHE has used all the olives for purposes other than making me a martini
10. Bono

See, it's easy to keep me happy. [Goodness, I hope I never find myself waiting in line at Lowe's, listening to a mis-tuned radio play one of those crappy U2 songs that feature Bono passing a kidney stone (albeit self-righteously) instead of singing.]

Love, Fluffy

Luck Schmuck

Dear Diary,

Today is Friday the 13th. This would have bothered the younger, thinner, more nervous me. But now I'm all medicated and fat, and I really don't care. Bring on the black cats, beeeeatch!

Also, if malice wants to wash her hair with Pert Plus, it is nobody's business but her own. The U.S. should stay out of her uterus, and City B should stay out of her hair-styling choices.

Love, Fluffy

ISO: Confinement Nurse

Dear Diary,

Apparently 'having a baby' is the new 'buying a house'. Didn't you get the memo? Neither did we. And while we're on the subject, I'd like to state for the record that if I ever get pregnant, I will be bringing back the tradition of going into confinement. I will hire a nurse and retire to my chambers for nine months. I shall emerge wearing a size 4, holding an adorable baby in one hand and a martini in the other.

Love, Fluffy