But Liquor is Quicker

Dear Diary,

The thing is, you can't trust other people to pick out candy for you. My candy tastes are very specific. For example. Swedish fish: "Aww, my favorite!" Gummi bears: "Are we even in the same RELATIONSHIP?" Chocolate covered peanuts? You're in. Chocolate-covered blueberries? Yeah, thanks. I love having diarrhea.

This is why I asked the BHE if I could buy my own Valentine's Day candy this year. I think it's a perfect idea. Then he won't have to agonize over what to buy me, and I won't have to pretend I like peppermint patties. (Is that even chocolate on the outside? What IS that stuff in there? Why is it cold? Is it toothpaste?)

So next week I'm going to buy myself my favorite candy. Starburst and godiva chocolates are a perfect combination.

Love, Fluffy

Oh yeah? Well we have dogs.

Dear all of my friends,

Please keep in mind that when you get pregnant, or have babies, or get pregnant again, or accept a job out of state, or start exercising, or get divorced, or do any other kind of drastic life-altering thing, it really takes a lot of the attention away from ME. Because I just can't compete with that kind of thing.

But the BHE and I are still fascinating. Some examples:

- we have a karaoke machine
- i make ice-cream sometimes
- our dogs listen to opera when we're not home
- and one of them eats tin cans
- we can talk about sandwiches for, like, 45 minutes
- the BHE is really good at wrapping presents (like, homo-good)
- we drink herbal tea every night before bed
- i read In Touch magazine like it's the newspaper
- the BHE lurks on fantasy baseball sites (sounds dirty, but it's not)

So, there.

Love, Fluffy

They Should Stick to Taking the Trash Out

Dear Diary,

1. The BHE is completely obsessed with the weather. My 84-year old grandmother was, also. Coincidence? I wonder.

2. On the workplace: Why is it that when some people send out vacation notices they include the location? Blatant braggery. I seriously doubt that they are honestly anticipating this scenario:

- "Shit, we need Windover!"
- "Sir, she's on vacation."
- "Check her calendar! Where is she?"
- "Uh, her calendar says "Bermuda"."
- "Well get me Bermuda on the phone! Pronto!"

3. On the saying "double-edged sword": I'm no expert in ancient weaponry, but aren't all swords double-edged? Otherwise it's just called a knife. Right?

4. Sister B will kill me for this, but let this picture be a warning to all women who are considering allowing their husbands to highlight their hair at home.

Love, Fluffy