First of all: Why?
Really, dogs? Coffee filters? There was a box of cookies on the counter you could have had if you had just put in a little more effort.
"Hey, Mom, there's like a HUGE mess in here. I don't know how you're going to clean all this up, but I gotta go poop in my pants and take a nap. So... good luck.
And, snack on the kitchen counter. Because sometimes I'm too lazy to get him all strapped up in his high chair.